John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
Showing posts with label Jokes in english. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes in english. Show all posts
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Austin Powers Pick-up Lines, Whatever you do, don't use them!
"(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt): Let's get you out of these wet clothes."
"(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself."
"Are those real?"
"Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me."
"Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?"
"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"
"Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???"
"Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them?"
"Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package."
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me."
"Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you."
"I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?"
"I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."
"I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long."
"I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter."
"I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked."
"I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue."
"I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?"
"I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight."
"If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning."
"If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public."
"Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?"
"My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming it later."
"My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.""
"My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to."
"Nice legs...what time do they open?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag."
"Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor."
"Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?"
"Want to play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me."
"You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me."
"You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away."
"You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy."
"You've got 206 bones in your body; want one more?"
"You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?"
"(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself."
"Are those real?"
"Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me."
"Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?"
"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"
"Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???"
"Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them?"
"Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package."
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me."
"Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you."
"I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?"
"I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you."
"I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long."
"I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter."
"I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked."
"I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue."
"I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?"
"I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight."
"If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning."
"If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public."
"Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?"
"My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming it later."
"My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.""
"My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to."
"Nice legs...what time do they open?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag."
"Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor."
"Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?"
"Want to play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me."
"You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me."
"You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away."
"You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy."
"You've got 206 bones in your body; want one more?"
"You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?"
Marriage And The Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."
Don't Do Drugs
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/ \
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O
__
/ \
\__/
"I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ass before prison......"
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/ \
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O
__
/ \
\__/
"I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ass before prison......"
69
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night.
When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain,
she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head
between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip
roaring fart. "What the hell was that!! He asked.
"oops! I'm sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second
attempt the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're
crazy!!'
When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain,
she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head
between your legs," still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip
roaring fart. "What the hell was that!! He asked.
"oops! I'm sorry! Let's try again," she said. On the second
attempt the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're
crazy!!'
Pickup Line Comebacks
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Dealing With Angry Wife
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
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